We all have an internal value system.
The thing that makes us, well, us.
The way you live your life, the choices you make, the actions you take, the way you behave and perceive and even eat... all down to this bad boy.
Most of the time, we think we are in control of our values. That we have some kind of say in what we feel is important to ourselves, and what is the truest most authentic form of 'I' at our core.
And this is true. While life is easy and our problems aren't significant.
But what happens when big things happen and we have to adapt or die?
Well, your values will change with or without you. And this is where the ride gets bumpy.
Mine have changed against my will/conscious decision several times. But the most readily apparent, recent and obvious choice for an example to you, dear reader, is when I had my daughter.
You think you are ready for children. You really do. But you aren't. Nobody is. Then the squalling, pink, attention demanding, exhausting little bundle of mayhem arrives. Then we learn how entitled and selfish we are.
The arrival of a being you have created (or other Major Life Change or MLC) is like our planet being struck my an enormous asteroid. The collision throws us off kilter and all of a sudden we are in a totally different orbit. Night is day. Day is Night. What was important is not longer important. What is now important was something that never even mattered. The things you poured your heart and soul into previously, now seem like the biggest waste of time, money and effort.
You are left reeling, and depressed, and anxious, still trying to cling to the way your life should be based on what you previously knew and accepted as 'OKAY' or 'Normal'... but never really looking at your belly button long enough to realise that, "Fuck, these values aren't actually going to fit with me and my life anymore"; so your brain changes it all up without you even knowing.
You get left feeling lost. Confused. Insufficient. Weak. Incapable. Angry. Depressed. Broken. Worthless. You feel like you are drowning.
Your internal compass has changed. North isn't where it used to be. And boy, does this fuck with you. You used to unconsciously pick up your mind compass, knowing well by feel where each point was, and you felt balanced. Strong. Capable. You knew who you were. What you were able to give and receive. Each point on your mind compass was built from your deepest and strongest truest values. But now, your brain has adapted to your new normal, and those points don't exist anymore.
Why is this so much of a big fucking deal? Because literally everything you do can be traced back to a stimulus causing a response that will have been caused by your value system. How you see yourself. Even if you aren't aware of it, you have this. If you see yourself as a certain person, your behaviours are direct reflections of that. Your values cause your behaviours.
Change your values, and try and behave the same way - and you are asking for a train wreck.
Have your values change against your will by a MLC, and you are the fucking train wreck. Flames, Ashes, sheared metal, explosions and all.
Here you are now. Behaving in a manner suited to your old values, but now your brain has moved the compass. Think of your behaviours as you walking around orienteering. You have your compass in your hands. You take an action and move in a certain way, to get yourself heading in a certain direction to line up the hands on the compass with a specific point. There we have the behaviour = values chain. Now you have a MLC. The action you used to take to line the hand and the point no longer gets the same outcome.
You cannot change the compass, the things that have happened to you, even if you didn't want it to, have done this. What you have control over now, is accepting your new normal. Working out what these points on your compass now are. This takes a lot of effort. Its not easy at all. And directing the hands to your new points. Changing your behaviours to suit the new value system.
This is a big fucking job. So lets break it down.
Whether you start at the values end, or start at the behaviours end, doesn't matter. Just so long as you start somewhere. You will find the place where the hands and points meet which ever end of the compass you start from.
What if - No longer is 'having time to myself to do XYZ' your value. Because you have discovered that taking time to yourself doesnt make you happy anymore. You are still shitty because scrolling Facebook doesnt make you feel good. But what does make you happy, even if its weird and feels like wearing someone else's clothes or shoes, is sitting down playing dolls with your daughter. So you can ascribe this as your new value. Spending quality family time. This can solve heaps of problems. I used to resent my kid because I felt she took away from my time to myself. But the idiot I was, didnt see that I dont need that anymore. My time for myself is my time with her now. My brain knew this. It just took me a while to catch up.
But be warned - you could make shitty metrics or shitty values if you aren't careful. Your metrics are what it is you use to measure your success against a given value. So, for the example above - if I use something that is too specific like "Playing dolls with my daughter every day" as a metric for my value of quality family time, I am going to have a bad time. I have been too specific. You need to be broader and choose something to measure this that can take the knocks and randomness that happens in everyday life. Like the seagull on the waves. The water off the ducks back. You aren't going to have the capacity to do some exacting, specific thing every time, so you are setting yourself up to fail. Being mindful and present in the time I spend with my family by not using devices and just being - thats a better metric for my value. Cause some days are gonna be random. So dont be so hard on yourself.
In a nutshell, if what your previous normal or current normal is grating on you, and isn't meshing with you anymore; that it doesnt fit you for some reason. Don't be afraid to change what your behaviours are. Is it as simple as that? Yep. You know it, unconsciously, but because you are used to your old compass, you don't want to accept it. Because it messes with your construct of who you thought you were. Your identity.
And anything that challenges your identity is something you will avoid, or bottle up until you have a nervous breakdown. But more on that next time.
So suck it and see, you unconsciously know the answer. Your brain has already written it for you. Its just for you to stop being afraid of the new normal and start accepting and embracing it. Don't worry about what others will think:
"Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter"
Until next time,
(and it won't be so long!)
Be badass,
Em, X.
The thing that makes us, well, us.
The way you live your life, the choices you make, the actions you take, the way you behave and perceive and even eat... all down to this bad boy.
Most of the time, we think we are in control of our values. That we have some kind of say in what we feel is important to ourselves, and what is the truest most authentic form of 'I' at our core.
And this is true. While life is easy and our problems aren't significant.
But what happens when big things happen and we have to adapt or die?
Well, your values will change with or without you. And this is where the ride gets bumpy.
Mine have changed against my will/conscious decision several times. But the most readily apparent, recent and obvious choice for an example to you, dear reader, is when I had my daughter.
You think you are ready for children. You really do. But you aren't. Nobody is. Then the squalling, pink, attention demanding, exhausting little bundle of mayhem arrives. Then we learn how entitled and selfish we are.
The arrival of a being you have created (or other Major Life Change or MLC) is like our planet being struck my an enormous asteroid. The collision throws us off kilter and all of a sudden we are in a totally different orbit. Night is day. Day is Night. What was important is not longer important. What is now important was something that never even mattered. The things you poured your heart and soul into previously, now seem like the biggest waste of time, money and effort.
You are left reeling, and depressed, and anxious, still trying to cling to the way your life should be based on what you previously knew and accepted as 'OKAY' or 'Normal'... but never really looking at your belly button long enough to realise that, "Fuck, these values aren't actually going to fit with me and my life anymore"; so your brain changes it all up without you even knowing.
You get left feeling lost. Confused. Insufficient. Weak. Incapable. Angry. Depressed. Broken. Worthless. You feel like you are drowning.
Your internal compass has changed. North isn't where it used to be. And boy, does this fuck with you. You used to unconsciously pick up your mind compass, knowing well by feel where each point was, and you felt balanced. Strong. Capable. You knew who you were. What you were able to give and receive. Each point on your mind compass was built from your deepest and strongest truest values. But now, your brain has adapted to your new normal, and those points don't exist anymore.
Why is this so much of a big fucking deal? Because literally everything you do can be traced back to a stimulus causing a response that will have been caused by your value system. How you see yourself. Even if you aren't aware of it, you have this. If you see yourself as a certain person, your behaviours are direct reflections of that. Your values cause your behaviours.
Change your values, and try and behave the same way - and you are asking for a train wreck.
Have your values change against your will by a MLC, and you are the fucking train wreck. Flames, Ashes, sheared metal, explosions and all.
Here you are now. Behaving in a manner suited to your old values, but now your brain has moved the compass. Think of your behaviours as you walking around orienteering. You have your compass in your hands. You take an action and move in a certain way, to get yourself heading in a certain direction to line up the hands on the compass with a specific point. There we have the behaviour = values chain. Now you have a MLC. The action you used to take to line the hand and the point no longer gets the same outcome.
You cannot change the compass, the things that have happened to you, even if you didn't want it to, have done this. What you have control over now, is accepting your new normal. Working out what these points on your compass now are. This takes a lot of effort. Its not easy at all. And directing the hands to your new points. Changing your behaviours to suit the new value system.
This is a big fucking job. So lets break it down.
Whether you start at the values end, or start at the behaviours end, doesn't matter. Just so long as you start somewhere. You will find the place where the hands and points meet which ever end of the compass you start from.
What if - No longer is 'having time to myself to do XYZ' your value. Because you have discovered that taking time to yourself doesnt make you happy anymore. You are still shitty because scrolling Facebook doesnt make you feel good. But what does make you happy, even if its weird and feels like wearing someone else's clothes or shoes, is sitting down playing dolls with your daughter. So you can ascribe this as your new value. Spending quality family time. This can solve heaps of problems. I used to resent my kid because I felt she took away from my time to myself. But the idiot I was, didnt see that I dont need that anymore. My time for myself is my time with her now. My brain knew this. It just took me a while to catch up.
But be warned - you could make shitty metrics or shitty values if you aren't careful. Your metrics are what it is you use to measure your success against a given value. So, for the example above - if I use something that is too specific like "Playing dolls with my daughter every day" as a metric for my value of quality family time, I am going to have a bad time. I have been too specific. You need to be broader and choose something to measure this that can take the knocks and randomness that happens in everyday life. Like the seagull on the waves. The water off the ducks back. You aren't going to have the capacity to do some exacting, specific thing every time, so you are setting yourself up to fail. Being mindful and present in the time I spend with my family by not using devices and just being - thats a better metric for my value. Cause some days are gonna be random. So dont be so hard on yourself.
In a nutshell, if what your previous normal or current normal is grating on you, and isn't meshing with you anymore; that it doesnt fit you for some reason. Don't be afraid to change what your behaviours are. Is it as simple as that? Yep. You know it, unconsciously, but because you are used to your old compass, you don't want to accept it. Because it messes with your construct of who you thought you were. Your identity.
And anything that challenges your identity is something you will avoid, or bottle up until you have a nervous breakdown. But more on that next time.
So suck it and see, you unconsciously know the answer. Your brain has already written it for you. Its just for you to stop being afraid of the new normal and start accepting and embracing it. Don't worry about what others will think:
"Those who matter won't mind, and those who mind don't matter"
Until next time,
(and it won't be so long!)
Be badass,
Em, X.
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